Chapter 8: Oh The Weather Outside Is Spiteful

WE rendezvous with Our Hero during a brief reprieve from an anti-hellscape that would give Ithaca a run for its "How Low Does Kelvin Go?" prize. Today warmed up to a toasty 30something. Warmed Up To. When you see a Korean weather forecast that, in Celsius, looks more like an elementary paint-by-numbers kit than anything else, you know it's time to invest in a few animal hides.

From there, our story continues...

* Warm Winter Garments

Turns out, if you're hunting for deer, moose, or just low, low prices, you must journey to the heart of Seoul's shopping district, Dongdaemun Stadium, in the wee hours of the night -- when bargains are plentiful and bargain-hunters only less so. Most of the shopping transpired underground, in a subterranean labyrinth of leggings, hats, mittens, and too-small shoes. Slightly higher prices were tolerated for much higher temperatures, as shopping outside for that which we presently lacked would constitute a (rather quick) study in diminishing returns. Think Hoth minus the balmy inside of a dead Tauntaun.

I got: 3 hats, gloves, mittens, a giant scarf, and a toasty feeling of winter-readiness. I almost got: frostbitten toes, free coffee, and in a fight with drunk Koreans at a restaurant. I almost didn't get: home alive.

* Everland!

This really deserves a whole posting to itself, but I'll pique your something or other with these pictures:





Dunno why there are two moons in this picture.












There are chairlifts. In the distance, take a gander at Asia's largest wooden rollercoaster, and the steepest one in the world.

Part of Feeley-Summerl's "Jumping Photos ~ Flying!" series.










Cheap imitation of a genuine Feeley-Summerl.











They wear helmets. The helmets match the ornaments. Oh, Korea.









Tasty roast squid and peanut butter. No, really.









My retirement hobby.






* Korean Costco

Saves my life. It is real Costco, with one small difference. To a Korean: free diced onions + free ketchup + free mustard + a plate = free side dish. Really. I will get photo evidence. Anyways, it was the source of all the Thanksgiving foodstuffs we needed, minus turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. However it did provide three cooked chickens, cheap rolls, and Martinelli's sparkling cider in a 4 pack, 2 of which were drunk (mixed with soju, gaaaaaah!) and one of which remains in my keeping.

* Thanksgiving

We had a simple get together that included, among other things, home made stuffing. How do you make home made stuffing? I'll tell you. You get bread, leave it out for a night, crumble the dry pieces into a dish, add stuff, and bake in an oven.

Or, if you're us, you toast slices of white bread, at blurring speeds of up to ten slices an hour, for hours upon end. Observe the magic in action:




The stack grew as the night went on, roughly mirroring my intake of soju mixed in apple cider.










Yes, Theresa "crafted" the stuffing. But by volume and time involved, I am the rightful stuffing master.






* Haircut

Done.

* Nintendo DS

My Black Box o' Fun cost the equivalent of $150; in the U.S., it runs about $130 + tax... So for less than $10 extra, I got the case, the carrying case, and all games ever. Go me!

The best investment I've ever made myself -- beating out students loans and not infrequent flossing -- is about to get better. Chrono Trigger DS has been released, subsequently cracked, uploaded for, and downloaded by me, courtesy of Asian ingenuity and a certain disregard for copyright law. For the nerdier among you, I ask you the following: Fiendlord?

* The Won

Sucketh more. However, I've turned over a new half-full silver lining, or something to that effect. For example, my ticket home, purchased straight from the airline, was about 400 bucks cheaper.

* Christmas Confirmed

Right, so: I'm comin' home. I'll be there from the morning of the 24th to noon on the 3rd. The 24th is Family+Liwei time, and on the 25th there's... a birthday party or something. All other days are negotiable, though the vast majority will be spent with family. This means that if you want a piece of the Keith, you'd best schedule a time now. In pencil. With money attached.

* Korean Toiletry vs. Hygiene

Let's just say this: I would never want to be on the wrong side of a Korean toilet. Granted, I'd never want to be on the wrong side of any toilet, but the Korean Throne of Porcelain gets a special mention, due to a recent experience of mine.

I had two tasks to complete: brush my teeth, move some bowels. Obviously, the order is the aforelisted. Since I was at work, I decided to combine them into a single visit, under the guise of doing the former in a long yet plausible period of time. Having completed the brushing, I hoodie-pocketed the dental cleansing apparatus (one (1) toothbrush, std. size; and one (1) tube, toothpaste, std. size), and moved onto more stallward matters. The only cogent details here involve post-activity standing, leaning over to flush, and an unfortunate mid-flush lesson in gravity, static friction, and the overcoming thereof. Sploosh! sploosh! Then, less audibly, @#$%! Also, possibly a metaphysical poof! as my dental products vanished completely into the bowels of, well, bowels.

I panicked. I flushed again, and waited. It refilled at normal speed. I flushed, waited, and watched for a third time. It refilled a third time. Sharp panic becoming honest to goodness scientific inquiry at this point, I threw some toilet paper in, flushed and waited. No problems. After a few minutes, as my cover story of toothbrushery wore thinner with each flush, I decided to mosey on out of there. And yes, I whistled nonchalantly.

Alas, the next day, I saw a sign on the door in Korean, and knew the worst had happened. I don't know what the sign says, but I'd like to think it reads:

Here lies the Super Toilet, King of Thrones, Flusher of All Things Great and Small.

Farewell, Oh Porcelain Prince.

* Beard Rubbing Ritual

Mostly to part on a note slightly higher than a bathroom story, I will now relate to you the strangest thing I've witnessed in Korea: a creepy, old, Korean beard-afficianado. Let us relive this event theatrically:

YOU HAVE BEARD

A play in one part.

Personae Dramatis

Ramsey ..................................... A fully bearded American.
"Jimbo" ..................................... A Korean gentleman, somewhat bearded, and somewhat drunk.
Theresa .................................... A woman, beardless.
Kaitlyn ....................................... A Canadian, though strangly beardless.
Keith .......................................... Hid his almost-beard, after witnessing the ritual.
Chorus ....................................... If applicable.

Setting: A dark sidewalk in the middle of Hyundai-town, known for its "massage parlors" and erratic bus schedules.

Theresa: " ... And on Tuesdays, between 2:56pm and 3:02pm, when the date ends in multiple of 3, and the weather is between partly to mostly sunny, the 2112 bus will not turn right unexpectedly."

Keith and Ramsey: "OOOoooooh."
Kaitlyn: "OOOoooooh, eh?"

Theresa: "The 2211, however, is a bit complicated, and only makes lefts if the driver is wearing either a pink tie, or --"

Enter Jimbo, Stage Right.
Jimbo: "HI!"

Others: "... Hi."

Jimbo, pointing: "YOU HAVE BEARDUH."

Ramsey: "Uh, that's right, I do have a beard."

Jimbo, pointing at self: "I HAVE ALSO BEARDUH!"

Jimbo thrusts his chin upwards, revealing resplendant neck beard.

Ramsey: "Yup, that's a beard alright."

Jimbo: "YOU TOUCHEE?"

Ramsey: "'Scuse me?"

Jimbo: "TOUCHEE! MY! BEARDUH!"

Ramsey: "Oh, uh... hmm. I dunno about that."

Jimbo: "BEARDUH!"

Jimbo grabs Ramsey's hand.

Ramsey: "Okay, okay!"

Jimbo rubs the back of Ramsey's hand against his neck beard.

Keith wraps his scarf around his face.

Ramsey: "That's a nice beard ya got there. No doubt about it."

Jimbo, releasing hand: "YOU BEARDUH!"

Proffers his own hand.

Chorus, Off-Stage Left: And God did harden Ramses, er, Ramsey's beard, but softened his heart.

Ramsey rubs Jimbo's hand on his beard.

Jimbo: "OOooooh. Nice-uh."

Ramsey: "Sure is."

Jimbo points at Kaitlyn.

Jimbo: "YOU WIFE?"

Ramsey: "Nope."

Jimbo turns to Kaitlyn.

Jimbo: "HE HAVE BEARDUH! WHY NO MARRY?"

Kaitlyn: "...... what does he mean, 'Why no--"

Jimbo: "HE NICE BEARDUH! YOU MARRY!"

Theresa: "No, I don't think that's quite how it works."

Jimbo turns to Theresa. Theresa looks for Keith.

Keith: "Ninja, VANISH!"

Exit Keith, Stage The Shadows

Theresa: "Damn!"

Jimbo: "YOU MARRY! HE NICE BEARDUH!"

Ramsey: "We BOTH nice bearduh!"

Jimbo: "YES! WE BOTH BEARDUH, NICE BEARDUH!"

Theresa, to Jimbo: "I can see that!"
to Ramsey: "I'll kill you."

Kaitlyn: "... I mean, yes, a beard would be nice for keeping the moose at bay, but..."

Jimbo: "BEEEEEEAAAARDUH! " Belches. "OK, BYE!"

5 minutes pass.

Keith, from The Shadows: "Is he gone?"

Fin.


- K